Readers, you may or not be aware of the lonely planet 'shoestring' series of books, for instance 'South America on a shoestring'. This particular series of books caters for people on ultra tight budgets. Well, let me formally introduce 'Chile on a thong-strap', thats right the famed leather thongs have touched down in Santiago de Chile... and a what a touchdown- I've already been ripped off once!!

Having arrived in Santiago after relatively uninteresting flights I had been expecting to be met at the airport by the hostal operators with whom I am staying for the first two nights. However there was no sight of a placard with my name on it- you know the type you see at airports when tour guides meet people etc. Anyway I thought my best course of action would be to go to the information booth and see if they could contact the hostal, rather than doing this the 'nice' girl put me in the care of some dodgy latin whose job it is to rip off unsuspecting westerners- he walked me to a cab, told the cab driver where to take me and demanded a tip for his trouble; I handed over 1000 pesos which only amounts to $2, but still....bloody cheek of it!! To make matters worse the cab driver insisted on talking to me in Spanish about Australia (kangaroos, koalas etc) for the duration of the 30 minute cab ride (another unexpected expense, since I was supposed to be meet the airport), he also charged a tip!! Anyway must go the time on this computer is about to expire, will post again soon. Lastly there is a huge stray dog problem here, seen at least ten just wondering the streets since I arrived about 3 hours ago.

No longer fit for a prince

The architectural wonder that is the Windsor Castle was rocked in more ways than one this week. Firstly Prince Charles was disappointed to have his impending wedding to Mr Ed moved to the nearby Windsor town hall after a legal wrangling regarding civil weddings and secondly the Iron Chefs suffered their first defeat for 4 weeks at the hands of the Superstars.

The Chefs went down 5-3 in a game that started promisingly but then turned sour. The familiar Chefs anthem "Our restaurant rules" permeated around the ground and chanting only grew louder when Thearle put the Chefs in front with a strike reminiscent of last weeks thunderbolt. The Chefs were buzzing, the kitchen was on fire and the fat bastard had eaten all the pies; all was looking well for the Chefs, especially when Ben added his name to the score sheet to put the Chefs into a 2-0 lead.

However then came the blonde butcher of Berlin. This was undoubtedly the turning point of the game. Having started the game on the bench, the Superstars secret weapon came on straight out of Hitler's third Reich. He was blonde, blue eyed, humourless and had a name like Johann, Adolf or Heinrich. However more importantly he obviously had a severe dislike for the multicultural make up of the Chefs line up and took great glee in single handedly administering a good spanking to the valiant boys in yellow. By half time the score was level at 2-2, and the Chefs were in disarray.

The second half was a grimmer tale, the Chefs soon found themselves 5-2 down and struggling to keep the score respectable. To their credit though all players persevered and managed to shut the Superstars attack down at crucial times. Bucky Reitano and Afro Asikas both muscled in on the action to make it a more physical encounter and later in the second half Captain Balestrin added his name to the score sheet to bring the chefs within two goals and snatch a crucial bonus point. However the day belonged to the Superstars and inparticular the Master Race Aryan wonder.

The Chefs now sit mid table still, which is still a remarkable feat given that not long ago the wooden spoon was well and truly a feature of the Chefs kitchen. The Chefs can and according to many observers will still make the finals. However Thearle moves to play with Chilean giants Universidad Catolica on loan for the remainder of the season, Andre comes into the side and it remains to be seen how this effects the teams style of play. It is hoped that Andre's inclusion will balance the team out in a Defense:Attack perspective, giving Phil a more solid defence.

Lastly, unfortunately this writer will no longer be able to write the Chefs weekly match reports as his contract with ICFC has not been renewed due to a difference of opinion over money and basic grammar, however future match reports will hopefully be provided by another Chefs enthusiast.

The end is nigh

Those of you who know me well will know that I have been a slave...uh I mean in the employ of a certain fast food outlet for the past 4 or so years (yes I know it's sad- we all have humiliating secrets; Bucky sees UFOs)

Anyway with my impending departure to the land of all things latin and dodgy, I have hung up my spatula and told them where to shove their buns, below is the soon to be infamous letter of resignation:

Dear Ronald McDonald (since most McDonalds managers are synonymous with clowns),

I quit.

My tenure at the Evil Empire has spanned these past four years and then some. No longer can I go on as an instrument of an oppressive regime, enough is enough. I have made no secret of the austerity with which my hatred and loathing for McDonalds is burdened. All too often have I found opportunity to stand as the lone voice of dissent and yet these four years a terrible guilt has been etched in the back of my mind; as well as being saturated in the odour of fat and oil, I wreak of the stench of hypocrisy. How can a man be in the employ of a corporation of which he speaks only venom and poison?

I shall be a hypocrite no more. Shortly I endeavour to South America to cleanse my soul, however when I return and rise above the menial duties entrusted to me by the global hegemon I shall work doggedly to bring that evil hegemon to it’s knees and end their global domination that threatens to turn this worlds people into fat, obnoxious, bigoted Americans.

Most symbolic of my sentence at this store, are perhaps the shoes that have served me so well since I was first manacled here. Encrusted with oil and fat, slowly rotting and bending up at the front as if worn by an elf, I leave those shoes to medical science in the crusade to find a cure for obesity.

If any of my future employers should call you for a reference, please say he was a demure character of excellent moral disposition and conscientious nature. If you don’t I will make your fall from Burger Stardom a long and painful one. Be warned.

Yours unFaithfully


The Writer.

Hot, hot, hot in the kitchen.

The Iron Chef's winning streak continued last night at the Windsor Castle with an emphatic win over Chesty Bondage. The Chefs have now won 3 on the trot and now sit mid-table, when only a matter of weeks ago it seemed inconceivable the Chefs would walk away with anything other than the wooden spoon.

Thearle having been absent due to injury (laziness) for the past two wins, opened the Chefs account with a blazing right foot shot that flew across the face of goal into the bottom left corner. From there the game was evenly matched; Chesty Bondage snatched a couple of goals back, one of which was dubiously awarded because in the words of Referee Zankov "it touched the net". Bucky Reitano contested the decision arguing "but the net is attached to the post", observers were left scratching their heads after such a profound statement.

Both Captain Balestrin and 'Afro' Assikas found the net to take the Chefs into the lead in the second half. Captain Balestrin on his way to a hatrick scored an absolute pearler and had a lucky goal when he nutmegged the keeper. From there on in it was all chefs; if the first half had seemed shaky then the second half was sheer class. Although Chesty Bondage scraped back a third, Captain Balestrin put the last egg in the pan; sealing his hatrick and the victory.

The performance was admirable, although the reinclusion of Thearle in the side at such a pivotal time in the season had drawn criticism on the terraces of Windsor Castle, the move payed off. Also the inclusion of Andre in place of Ben playing at the back proved justified; shutting down the Chesty Bondage attack at crucial moments. The game ended 5-3, and the Chefs now look onwards and upwards as the finals beckon.

As a footnote, Bucky Reitano is holding a meeting for the 'Bucky Reitano Fanclub' in the Windsor Castle carpark this Wednesday; his sighting of a mysterious light flashing across the sky last night has prompted him to call the meeting, all stargazers welcome, guest speaker(s): The 7 dwarves-'Stars seeing stars: Why being short and believing in UFOs doesn't preclude you from 1st class soccer'.