According to John: The A-League

Readers may or may not have heard of the horrendous US sitcom "According to Jim" starring (I use the term loosely) James Belushi (or is it Jim?). Briefly occupying a primetime channel 7 slot it has now been relegated to sometime mid afternoon, that's how crap it is. Although the fact that it screens on channel 7 in the first place should be a dead give away to the crapness.

Anyway this pitiful excuse for humour gives rise to the far better "According to John". In this issue of "According to me" I will examine the newly formed A-League, elaborating on my own views of the competition given my prolonged love affair with the beautiful game.

Firstly however a (very) brief Iron Chefs report: There isn't much to say really, we won..... wait for it...... 24-1 !!!!!!!!!!!! The opposition, Enfield Utd were without a doubt the crappest opposition ever. They fielded 2 girls (I am no sexist but this was definitely not a winning tactic) and the remaining 3 male players were possibly Glenside escapees (I mean it in the nicest way possible). Iron Chris Assikas who had until this week only managed a solitary goal single-handedly savaged the visitors piling on a whopping 10 goals! El capitan contributed with a mere 6, Bucky Reitano with 5 and Thearle with a slightly underachieving 3. It was however slightly embarrassing that we managed to concede just one goal and highlights a need to work on defence. And so the wildly warped goal tally looks like this:

Leading goalscorers (total as after matchday 10)
El Capitan- 20
Thearley- 16
Chef "I only score when the opposition are disabled" Assikas- 11
Bucky- 9
Andre- 3

Now to the A-League: I don't wish to start over again with my A-League thesis, those of you who have not read my formative views will find them at www.shaunsalright.blogspot.com under the comments of an article titled "Blueprint for success- Craig Foster speaks some sense".

Essentially I am very happy with the new look A-League and I am indeed pleased that the world game at last has a viable platform in Australia. However there are I feel some points to be improved on if the game is to flourish. In an ideal world the A-League will rightfully come to prominence in Australian sport usurping all other codes and bringing Australia in line with the rest of the world (with the exception of the fuckwit US) worshipping the round ball game. This however is perhaps a pipe dream and unlikely to come to fruition. My first problem is people like Les Murray on SBS. Some of you may have read his columns and books and realise that he is one of the leading proponents for football in this country and indeed he has I feel done a lot for the game. However his chief failure I believe is not securing the TV rights for the A-League for SBS. Rather when one's side is playing away, one must have access to Rupert's "Do me up my foxhole"TEL in order to watch the game. On this vast continent it is unlikely that all that many fans are able to travel frequently to away games, putting the games on free-to-air TV however would allow all to see all of the games. Furthermore when one does have access to FOX, one is far more likely to be watching the football, rugby or other "exotic" channels. My point here is that the A-League needs to tap potential markets where the AFL and NRL haven't already gone. If good quality football were screened on free-to-air TV, then I think it would gain a lot more interest. However currently the only good quality football that free-to-air viewers have access to are early morning european games and the occasional Australian national team game (please debate quality).

To be honest I am all ranted out at the moment and cannot be bothered writing further, however I have other issues with geographic representation of clubs, the marketing of clubs as cheerleader backed side shows and the scheduling of fixtures. Watch this space.

Hearts cease to beat as the Chefs are beaten by the "Easybeats"

The seemingly unbeatable Iron Chefs have been beaten. But they were no easybeat as the "Easybeats" rose from obscurity to claim the league's biggest scalp. The Iron Army (image at left) were visibly distraught as their valiant boys in yellow went down 4-3. The Windsor Castle had for a solid 8 games been a fortress in which the Chefs dominated, however this week the walls were breached.

The game looked promising though as there were a host of young female fans in attendance, Chef Assikas The Younger (Chefs number 1 draft pick for next season) was also spotted on the terraces and the Real Chef Assikas sported a rather fetching pair of extremely short white shorts- someone throw the water please!! ooh ahh!

The Chefs were playing catch-up all day and the scoreline would suggest that the "Easybeats" outclassed their opposition. However spectators witnessed a wholly different affair. After conceding the first goal, El Capitan drew the Chefs back level and then after conceding a second, Thearle did likewise. Yet somehow they just could not clinch that vital goal that would propel them into the lead. They would try in vain though; Chef Assikas unleashed the wrath of Zeus' wind in a goalward direction however couldn't breach the keeper's defences, likewise El Capitan and Thearle perservered to no avail.

The Chefs then employed a cunning ploy; a Trojan horse, Bucky made sporadic forays into attack catching defenders unawares and unleashing a few strikes, however still the Chefs wouldn't find the net. The Easybeats then put the peddle down and went into a 4-2 lead and the Chefs were all at sea. Some suspect officiating allowed precious time to pass away and the Chefs could only manage a solitary consolation goal courtesy of Thearle.

On a brighter note, the Chefs did gain the 1 bonus point and are expected to remain top of the table. Also Thearle closed the gap on El Capitan at the top of the leading goalscorers tally:

Leading goalscorers (total as after matchday 9)
"El Toro" El Capitan- 14
Juan Luis- 13
Bucky- 4
Andre- 3
Son of Zeus (have you seen those legs?)- 1

Asian Tigers curried by Iron Chefs

UEFA officials are scratching their heads this week after receiving an official application from the Iron Chefs Football Club for admission to the Champions league. The application comes only days after the Chefs notched up their 8th consecutive win.

Disoriented (or the Cambodian second 11) were this weeks prey as the boys in 'Egg yolk yellow' looked a little frazzled as they took the field; "boozing & cruisin" has become an almost institutionalised trait of some players. Fans fears were justified only minutes into the game as the Asian tigers pounced on a loose ball and put themselves into the lead. Truth be known, El Capitan Balestrino looked as though he might defect halfway through the game; "those Asian boys have such beautiful eyes". However both the captain and the rest of the team stayed the cause with gritty determination. As the game dragged on though the Iron Army fell silent in fear that they may be witnessing a cataclysmic almost orgasmic defeat, the silence was only broken by the distant chanting of the Barmy Army as England won the ashes... can you hear it?... can you? .... ha ha ha ha ha ha ha 5-0 whitewash?... aha aha ha ha ha ha ha hahhahshh ah hahah hahah hahah hah hahah a hahhaah h ah

The Chefs went in at half time one goal down and seriously worried. However soon after the resumption of play it was as though the Chefs had received some kind of Flintoffesque inspiration, Thearle struck early and the game was drawn level. Yet the twists and turns kept on coming, almost immediately Cambodia struck another chopstick into the Chef's wok. Greek Chef Assikas went beserk, the frustration was obvious and the Chefs were in disarray. However calm prevailed and both Andre and Bucky tightened up the defence (and their backsides, after the Captain had threatened to do untold things to them if we lost). This is actually a curious point, as El capitan is known to be a little quiet on the pitch, many of the Iron Army have called for a more verbal approach to the captaincy. Afro and Rob both contributed well in creating chances and Afro in particular seemed to regain his form as he peppered the opposition goal from distance. However it was Thearle again who combined well with the Captain to draw the Chefs back level.

In the dying moments of the game it was the "White ninja midget" Bucky who leapt like a leper from the defensive line to nail the coffin shut. 3-2 and the Iron Chefs narrowly maintained their winning ways.

Leading goalscorers (total as after matchday 8)
El Capitan- 13
Thearle- 11
Bucky- 4
Andre- 3
Afro- 1

Online Poll: How long can the Iron Chefs maintain their winning streak?

Good God!.... or has he been a bad God?

ADELAIDE. Thearle esq. Papal envoy reports.

The mighty Lord God (pictured right in a recent family picture) was brought before the Adelaide magistrates court today on charges relating to the Environment protection (water quality) act 2003. The charges relate to incidents in the distant past and so the act has been invoked in retrospect; a move that God's lawyers are challenging.

Specifically the charges relate to the parting of the Red Sea which took place in an unspecified place and year (something-or-other BC). Family friend of the God family, Moses has also been implicated as an accomplice based upon written evidence presented to the court during the opening morning of proceedings:

“And Moses stretched out his hand over the sea; and Jehovah caused the sea to go back by a strong east wind all the night, and made the sea dry land, and the waters were divided. And the children of Israel went into the midst of the sea upon the dry ground: and the waters were a wall unto them on their right hand, and on their left” (Exodus 14:21-22).

Lucifer De Vil QC acting for the prosecution referred specifically to Division 1 of the act, which states:

General obligation to avoid discharge etc. into waters
(1) A person who is undertaking an activity, or is an occupier of land, must take all reasonable and practicable measures (not being measures that themselves cause environmental harm) to avoid the discharge or deposit of waste from that activity or land—
(a) into any waters; or
(b) onto land in a place from which it is reasonably likely to enter any waters (including by processes such as seepage or infiltration or carriage by wind, rain, sea spray, or stormwater or by the rising of the water table)

The prosecution case noted that the remains of Egyptian chariots in the red sea constituted excessive waste and a real threat to the local fragile ecosystem. Furthermore the exact loss of life resulting from the washing away of countless Egyptian lives was tantamount to genocide and murder charges could be brought before the court pending further evidence.

God who has lived a somewhat reclusive lifestyle since these and other events around the same time, refused to comment as he left the courthouse this afternoon. However he did point his finger to the sky in a somewhat rude gesture causing a sudden crack of lightning and this writers trousers to fall about his ankles.

This story will be updated as news comes to hand.

Chefs Crush Speed Addicts (Bucky Reitano new face of Road safety campaign: "I am not road kill")

And in sporting news this weekend just passed, the Iron Chefs stretched their winning streak to seven games consolidating their grip on first place in the Windsor Castle of Doom Blogger's conference league. Faced with a demented opposition clearly made up of ex-felons and Glenside escapees the Chefs were cool and calm as they swept aside their opposition in a 7-2 belting. El Capitan Balestrino scored an impressive 4, Thearle added 2 and Andre "The Giant" also added his name to the tally. Phil was sublime in goal, exerting a strange gravitational force that saw almost every opposition shot reach his firm grip or go skidding wide of the posts. Andre "the Giant" crushed all in his path as he maintained the Chefs defensive line in typical fashion. However Afro Assikas, who has been plagued by a recent back injury and subsequent poor form (see goalscorers tally) has been in rumours linked to local rival Real Madras. The Iron Chefs fan club has in response to this latest revelation set up an online petition to stop the loved Greek player leaving the club (add your name to the petition in the comments below).

Leading Goalscorers (total as after gameweek 7)

El Capitan Supremo Balestrino I- 13

Thearle- 9

Bucky "Rest, revive, survive" Reitano- 3

Andre "The Giant"- 3

Afro Assikas- 1